


So... you come here often?

by taeharu



Category: Free!
Genre: (yes i think 1000 words is big i'm sorry i suck at writing), And it's supposed to be funny, Bad Flirting, Crack, Dialogue-Only, Dirty Talk, I'm Sorry, M/M, No Plot/Plotless, Post-Canon, This Is STUPID, pretty big for a story with no plot/development
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-11-21
Updated: 2015-11-21
Packaged: 2018-05-02 16:21:46
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,000
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5255099
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/taeharu/pseuds/taeharu
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Makoto is informed he's supposed to flirt with his boyfriend at every possible moment. Haruka is not amused.</p>
            </blockquote>





	So... you come here often?

**Author's Note:**

> This is a thing I shouldn't have done but I did.  
> This is also an opportunity for me to tell you I'm sorry. I know it's been months and I know I'm awful, but as I said on Tumblr, this past weeks have not been easy for me. School is punching me in the face and balls (the ones I don't have), my writing ability is pretty much nonexistent and my stress levels are sky-high. Letting you guys know I AM writing new chapters and fics, but I just can't seem to like them (so I change everything over and over again, but I'm never satisfied with the way it turns out.)
> 
> So, forgetting the other fics, I'll prepare you for this one: it's STUPID and UNNECESSARY. I don't know what I was thinking when I wrote this (2 hours ago, 3 a.m.), but here it is. I should probably be banned from the fandom because this is ridiculous.  
> It's dialogue-only (yeah, I'm lazy), but I think it makes sense. Makoto is stupid. Haruka is done. Nagisa, Rin and Kisumi are little shits. The usual.  
> There's no smut, so the mature rating is because of the inCREDIBLY STUPID (and dirty) THINGS they say.  
> (HOW DOES ONE WRITE SMUT IN A DIALOGUE-ONLY FIC I WONDER)  
> (actually that could be interesting)  
> (all you read are moans and dirty talk)  
> (mhm. interesting.)
> 
> I'm not keeping you any longer. Hope you enjoy the ride of stupidity.  
> Love,  
> Me.

“You can't be real. May I pinch you to see if I'm dreaming?”

“...What?”

“I said, ‘You can’t be real—‘”

“I heard you. Just… what are you doing?”

“I’m flirting with you.”

“Why?”

“We’re dating, Haru! It’s what I’m supposed to do.”

“Who said that?”

“Nagisa. And Rin. And Kisumi, too. I even bought a book.”

“Why do you still listen to them? And why would you need a book?”

“Why do you keep asking questions?”

“Whatever. You’re weird. I’m taking a bath.”

 

 

“Haru! Call a lifeguard!”

“What? Why?”

“Because I’m drowning in your eyes.”

“That’s… even worse than the first one.”

“There are a lot more where this comes from.”

“You mean that book you bought?”

“You bet. I’m memorizing every phrase.”

“Don’t.”

“Too late. There are some really good ones, like ‘Is it hot in here or is it just you?’”

“You don’t need a book to know that one.”

“Or ‘I know I'm not Mr. Right, but would you settle for Mr. Right Now?’”

“That’s stupid.”

“May we kiss those we please, and please those we kiss.”

“Please shut up.”

“Bits make bytes, but nibbles turn me on.”

“You’re insane.”

 

 

“Good morning, Haru-chan.”

“’Morning.”

“Do your legs hurt?”

“No… why would they?”

“You know… you’ve been running into my dreams all night.”

“Stop.”

“If I told you you have a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?”

“Stop!”

“Nothing says ‘I love you’ better than six hours of nonstop sex.”

“Only if you keep your mouth shut.”

 

 

“Are you religious? ‘Cause you’re the answer to all my prayers.”

“Go to a shrine and pray for forgiveness after that one.”

“Do you have a BandAid? I just scraped my knee falling for you.”

“Bleed to death.”

“You’re like a dictionary: you add meaning to my life!”

“Cliché.”

“You’re so beautiful that you made me forget my pickup line.”

“Thank God.”

“Just kidding. I didn’t know that angels could fly so low!”

“And I didn’t know demons could walk on Earth.”

“Is your body from McDonald’s? Cause I’m lovin’ it!”

“Makoto, you hate McDonald’s.”

 

 

“This book is amazing! I used to be a terrible flirt, but I'm much better at it now.”

“I don’t think so.”

“Oh, Haru… all those curves and me with no brakes.”

“Not working.”

“If I could rearrange the alphabet, I'd put U and I together.”

“I’m leaving you.”

“There's so much to say but your eyes keep interrupting me.”

“Then they’re not doing a good job.”

“Hey! Didn’t we go to different High Schools?”

“We went to the _same_ High School, you moron!”

“I'm writing a telephone book. May I have your number?”

“You already _know_ my phone number!”

“Ah—sorry, I don't dance. But I'd love to hold you while you do.”

“I give up.”

 

 

“Question: are you more of a boob or butt kind of guy?”

“Makoto, you do know I’m gay, right?”

“Just answer the question.”

“Butt.”

“Good. That’s really the only ass-et I have!”

“…”

“Come on, that’s a good one!”

“Just pack your things and leave.”

 

 

“You’re the only one who can make me warm both in heart and dick.”

“When are you stopping this nonsense?”

“Considering we’ll be together for a long, long time… I’d say _never_.”

“Confessing to you was the biggest mistake I’ve ever made.”

“You don’t mean it. I know I too make your heart warm. The question is: can I also warm your dick?”

“If you want to have sex, you should probably stop talking.”

“I still think you are boner material.”

“Too bad for you.”

 

 

“So, what are we having for dinner?”

“…”

“Haru?”

“…what.”

“What are we having for dinner?”

“…why?”

“Because I’m hungry?”

“Oh. I don’t know.”

“Mhm. You want me to call the pizza place?”

“Okay.”

“You think big sausage pizza is good or it’ll get you stuffed?”

“WHY DO YOU KEEP DOING THIS?”

 

 

“I’m sorry.”

“No.”

“I’m done with flirting, I swear!”

“No.”

“Please get out of the bathroom, Haru.”

“I live here now.”

“I’ll get rid of the book!”

“No need to do that.”

“Huh? Why?”

“I got it here with me. I’m reading it.”

“Why would you do that?”

“I’m touching myself right now.”

“W—what.”

“You feel so good in me it makes me want to scream.”

“Okay that’s just unfair.”

“You want me? Well, I want you in every room of this house tonight.”

“Then _unlock the door_!”

“Not yet. First, I want you to tell me where you’d touch me.”

“I did not torture you this way.”

“I’d touch your dick first, because I know you like me bold and straightforward. If you’re up to it, I’d finger you and suck you until you came inside my mouth.”

“Okay, okay, I get it! I’ll stop, just open the door!”

“Punish me! I’ve been a really bad boy.”

“Yeah, I know that!”

“Blowing you makes me so horny…”

“Haru! That’s unfair, you know that! I read pick-up lines, not the dirty-talking part!”

“You get what you deserve, Makoto. And in this case, you deserve a hard dick and no relief.”

“That’s mean.”

“You know what’s mean? The fact that you’re so big it hurts but I still want it.”

 

 

“You’re not allowed to talk about flirting and dirty-talking with Makoto ever again.”

“Sorry, Haru-chan!”

“And make sure to tell Rin this too.”

“And Kisumi?”

“I’ll handle Kisumi. He shouldn’t be talking to Makoto at all.”

“Hee-hee, Haru-chan is so mean. Is Mako-chan in trouble?”

“I tied him to our bed.”

 

 

“ _Three_ hours _tied_ to a bed with a _vibrator_ up my _ass_!”

“Yup.”

“So now we’re even?”

“Sure.”

“Okay. Wanna watch a movie? I got us Netflix.”

“I’ll make popcorn.”

“Mhm. Are you doing all those dirty things you promised earlier?”

“You were not the only one turned on then.”

“Heh. Glad to hear that, Haru-chan.”

“But movie first.”

“As you wish. Don’t forget you _are_ going to be punished for being such a bad boy. I mean, you asked it yourself before.”

“Seems fair enough.” 

**Author's Note:**

> kick me out of the fandom i'm ready
> 
> (yes i googled lame pick-up lines and dirty-talking sue me)


End file.
